Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
