did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
