A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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