If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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