the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
