And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
