Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
