I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
