tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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