I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
