you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
