You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
