Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
