last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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