lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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