Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
