I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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