How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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