whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
