I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
