do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
