I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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