did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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