So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I understand Curling. That high.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
