i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
