Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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