Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
