sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
