I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize