I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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