I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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