New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
