Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
