I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
