I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
