Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
