Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
