I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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