If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
