I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
