i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
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Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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