I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
