She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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