i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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