If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.