Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
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all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY