your room smells of hookers.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?