I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
