Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
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You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
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What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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