I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
