turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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