Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
