at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
