so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
