i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
