this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
