why didn't you poke me back
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
