happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
