Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
